Presence Not Perfection
Dear Leader,
I was watching the series The Pitt the other day, and it reminded me of you. If you haven’t seen it yet, the show takes place in an emergency room, each episode covering one hour of a long day. The main character, Dr. Robby, is the leader and the rock for his team. He is calm, he is patient, he manages to coach and teach, even while under pressure, and even though it’s the first time he’s worked on the anniversary of a mentor’s death — a death he feels responsible for.
But as the day intensifies and the pressure increases, Dr. Robby’s façade starts to crack. He snaps at his staff and at patients’ families. People offer to talk to him, suggest he takes a break, but he always refuses, almost with pride. Eventually he curls up on the floor of a pediatric ward being used as a temporary morgue, sobbing and singing a comforting prayer to himself. The big crisis to him is that his breakdown happens and — even worse than that — a team member witnesses it.
This is the model of how we’ve expected leaders to behave. Stoic through it all, effective regardless of the onslaught, bearing it all alone.
But it’s clear this is not working.
In the United States, More than 900 police officers have died by suicide since 2019. Sixty percent of journalists report having symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. A recent study shows that more than fifty percent of firefighters may be at risk for PTSD, depression, anxiety, and/or alcohol-use disorder. Another study reports that more than eighty percent of paramedics in a large urban area experienced the death of a patient while in their care, the death of a child, and violence. In addition to this, the same study reports that seventy percent had been assaulted on the job, and fifty-six percent report experiencing events which could have resulted in their own death.
While emotional compartmentalization is a useful strategy, it cannot be the only strategy. A lifetime of stuffing things down will catch up with you eventually.
Imagine this:
What if Dr. Robby had talked with the co-worker who offered to talk with him at the beginning of the day?
What if Dr. Robby knew what he needed and could have asked for it?
What if he didn’t care if anyone saw him cry?
What if, as the leader of the emergency room that day, he was able to openly talk about what was going on for him?
Leaders are often able to encourage their teams to express their emotions — but they think they have to hold it together. What people need from their leaders in times of crisis and trauma is presence, not perfection. They need you to be a real person with real needs and vulnerabilities. I don’t worry that you won’t get the work done. You will. You always manage. But can you do it with more grace for yourself? Can you risk being emotional in front of your team? Can you let them be emotional with each other? Can you allow the fullness of your experience in the room so that you don’t have to stuff it down?
When you can allow some room for your emotional experience, it is less likely to lodge itself in your body as PTSD. You lessen the load of all you are carrying.
What so many leaders are dealing with every day is heartbreaking. Sometimes leading means acknowledging that your heart is broken, sharing your humanity with your team, and carrying on. Don’t worry about being perfect. Just be present . . . for yourself and for your team. That is more than enough.
Cheering for you,
Carolyn
Carolyn Murphy
Chief Executive Officer
Center for Trauma and Leadership
Sources:
“Preventative Care in First Responder Mental Health: Focusing on Access and Utilization via Stepped Telehealth Care.” National Library of Medicine.
“Bringing the Trauma Home: Spouses of Paramedics.” Journal of Loss and Trauma. 10 (2): 97–114. ISSN 1532-5024.